Not So Naive Anymore

Lately, I have been so worried. I can stress myself out very easily and I have been doing that a lot lately. I have been thinking a lot about IVF and my infertility. I know that my boyfriend and I will have to do IVF and it scares me. But here’s the thing, I shouldn’t be worrying about it right now. It shouldn’t be in my thoughts. Our plan is to contact the fertility clinic once we are married. Since age is a factor with IVF, we will start the process as soon as possible. But if I don’t even have a ring on my finger yet or a wedding date set, why am I so worried now? Why can’t I just have a rest from the fear and heartbreak that I live with because of infertility.

I do not remember being this concerned about my first IVF cycle. Yes, I had fears and worries, I had questions and wondered why this was my life, why I was handpicked by God to be infertile. There are still days that I do not feel strong enough to carry this around, days when a pregnant belly will bring me to tears and days that I am so filled with jealousy and hurt. But now, now I know how hard IVF is. I’m not this naïve girl who really doesn’t understand how complex IVF is and how small the chances are. I know better now. I know how all-consuming it is. I know that it will be my life in a year or twos time. I know that my life will consist of:

• needles that are painful and make me uncomfortable;
•  bloodwork and intrauterine ultrasounds every other day to monitor how the injections are manipulating my body to do things it shouldn’t have to do;
•  sleepless nights from being uncomfortable and having a restless mind;
•  the worry of whether or not I will have any healthy eggs retrieved; 
•  a painful egg retrieval that may result in Ovarian Hyperstimulation;
•  the worry of whether or not any of my eggs will be successfully fertilized;
•  the worry of whether or not any of my fertilized eggs will mature into an embryo or blastocyst;
•  the worry of whether or not we will have any healthy embryos or blastocysts;
•  an embryo transfer and the hopes of a healthy pregnancy;
•  the worry of whether or not any healthy embryos or blastocysts will be able to be frozen;
•  the worry of whether or not those frozen embryos or blastocysts will survive a thaw for a FET;
•  the stress of the two week wait (the period of time when my mind raises of thoughts of being pregnant and I am so hopeful);
•  either the happiness of finding out that I am pregnant or the heart breaking devastation of finding out that I am not or that I will miscarry;
•  lots of prayers.

It is not easy. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I still feel robbed by infertility. I feel that it is not fair that I can’t just get pregnant, that my body doesn’t work that way. I feel heartbroken that I may not be able to give my future husband a child of his own, a child with his gorgeous eyes and beautiful smile. Infertility is a heavy weight to carry around with me all the time, some days more than others. It simply isn’t fair for any family dealing with this disease. At the moment, I feel like a lost scared child and I just want to cry and scream about how unfair it really is.