Today, I had my sonohysterogram. Chris had meetings at work and I didn't think it necessary for him to cancel them and come to this appointment. But how are you to ever know when you are going to receive bad news.
News that will completely defeat you and make you feel hopeless.
News that makes you just want to give up. And news that makes you scream, "why us, God?!?!" News that makes you question why this world is so cruel and if this is some sort of sick joke.
News that makes you want to wake up from the nightmare of infertility.
News that makes you need your partner by your side to help bare some of the pain.
I went to the fertility clinic and took my number. When I was called up to register, the receptionist and I were talking and laughing about how dry the air is in the hospital and how every time you cough, someone thinks your sick. I waited about 5 minutes before the nurse came and called me back to the examination room. I was familiar with the drill. Undress from waist down, leave on your socks if you want to keep your feet warm, wrap a blanket around you and walk into the exam room.
Once in the exam room, the nurse sat me down on the exam table since the doctor wasn't quite ready. She was very friendly and we were talking a bit about this procedure and if Chris and I had done our other tests, which I said we had. All of my bloodwork came back great. Hormone levels are where they are supposed to be. I was thrilled with this news but my joy was short lived. She then looked at the advanced semen analysis and said it didn't look so good. I asked if she could tell me the numbers and she said she couldn't but maybe our doctor would go over them with me.
I'm not sure what changed her mind, maybe she felt sorry for me, but about 15 seconds later, she walked over to the table with the test results and said "you're going to act like you never saw this when the doctor came in." She showed me all of the red on the file. She explained that isn't good. Red screams "look at me" because there is a problem. Next came the first blow. She told me that Chris had a low sperm count. My first thoughts were that it would be okay. That is what ICSI is for. A couple of million of sperm is okay, we can still do this. But that's when the big blow came.
"He has 1 to 3."
He has 1 to 3 what? One to three million? One to three thousand? One to three hundred? These questions ran through my head but I knew exactly what she meant. I repeated exactly what she said to me "he has 1 to 3?"
I felt as if someone had just kicked the air out of my lungs. I managed to keep my composure for when the doctor came in and started my sonogram. The nurse mentioned the tests came back to the doctor, nudging him to discuss them with me, and he did a bit. He didn't go into too much detail but he said Chris' test was not good and that we would need ICSI. He said we could come back for a follow up or he could refer us right to the IVF program. He quickly changed his mind during my sonogram. The cyst I had during my last IVF cycle is still there. His words were "there is a very large cyst int he right fallopian tube. It measures 7.5cm x 4.6cm." He also noted that my uterus is slighted tilted but he said that was not a concern. Other than that, my uterus looks great. After he saw the cyst though, he said that he would like us to come back for a follow up. He mentioned the possibility of clipping my fallopian tube or removing it all together. The good news was that my ovary is not touching the cyst.
After the appointment, I walked to my car and cried. I cried loud and hard, I couldn't control myself. I didn't care who saw or what they thought. I needed to cry and let it out. I needed to release some of the pain.
I just want this nightmare to stop.